Tidying as a love language and the gift that keeps giving
Today is my 6th wedding anniversary. In a perfect world (for me, lol), we’d be drinking champagne in a hot tub or cozied up in a king-sized bed, with music and ambient lighting, reminiscing on our love story.
What’s actually happening is far from dreamy. See, this was our second weekend in a row away—a big deal as a small business owner during a busy season.
The coming-home part is so lovely because there’s no place like home—and we both subscribe to the idea of leaving the house tidied and clean.
The coming-home part can be exhausting, often resulting in clutter piles in our car and/or by the entryway, or partially put-away items and a lack of preparedness for the week ahead, where we crash and say %$#& it (does this happen to you?).
There’s not much sexy about unpacking. Multiple trips from car to basement, to the shed. Pitstops at the kitchen. Six loads of laundry is definitely not exhilarating. Neither is the sound of my alarm clock alerting me to each load being ready to move onto its next stage to keep me on task.
My mother in law at the house chasing around my superhero 4 year old is 100% clutch (do people still say that?) but not romantic.
So, why are we spending our big day hustling and grinding at home?
The answer is love languages, and making mindful deposits into each others’ banks.
TBH, I’m also recalling an excerpt from Decluttered by Jenny Albertini (the author I hosted at a book reading at my favorite downtown independent bookstore, Huxley and Hiro):
“…clutter can manifest in a marriage in many different ways, like unequal roles and responsibilities, differing opinions over household management and purchasing, and having too many ideas about how life is supposed to be lived at home. Looking to find shared intrinsic motivation around behavior change I often turned to my old work subject [ETA: Jenny is a public health expert!]: SEX…
…it’s hard to feel sexy and close to someone when physical clutter and a mess of decisions are swirling all around you."
(There’s more, you’re going to want to read this book!! [And so is your partner…!])
Personally, when I am surrounded by clutter and disarray, my anxiety goes WAY up—I’m easily overstimulated, I’m forgetful, I shut down quickly. It makes every day so much harder than it needs to be.
When my wife is off her normal routine and does not have meals prepped, she is irritable and feels low energy throughout the week, scrambling at dinnertime and not fueling up well during the day for her grueling job.
Because I know this about myself and I know this about her, what a great gift we can give each other, especially today.
She proposed in Barcelona. I said YES and instantly bawled my eyes out with joy. She was like, “Wipe those tears, Babe, surprise photo shoot happening in 5 minutes.” Photo credit: Danny Merz Mensch
So this morning over coffee in front of the fire pit that was too wet to enjoy, we consciously chose to spend our day tackling our priorities, and what we’d need to make that happen:
I asked my MIL to meet us at home to keep our child occupied so we could stay focused; if she had been unable, we would’ve given him screen time and trust me he’d have been more than fine with that!
I identified my own 3 highest priorities—one for our us/home, one for my work, and one for just me, and shared them with her.
I asked her to do the same.
I think we added one more, due to necessity, which we divided and conquered.
It’s important to note that 3 tasks is totally doable, when broken down, when planned for, when deliberately chosen and communicated about how to achieve. It would also have been easy to make a 300-item to-do list. Because…life. But then we’d be setting ourselves up for an unrealistic goal, we’d be frustrated or rushing or unable to prioritize.
In the short time we’ve been home, we are working parallel but not interacting much. She’s diligently unloading of the car and putting items away in their proper homes while I’m focusing on the laundry and changing of the sheets (and my blog!). I can see her just crushing it and this is her forte. She loves camping so much, and has amazing gear that she loves to take care of.
I’m feeling in the ZONE. I’m staying on task with my alarm clocks, I’m time blocking the writing break (in a quiet room with my phone on silent), I’m knocking out these priorities, and I am STILL noticing plenty of time and energy to cross off extras. I’m also taking care to rehydrate because it was HOT AF out there.
I’m restocking TP in the bathroom, prepping medications in the pill organizer for the week, refilling the hand and dish soaps. OK, ok, that’s extra, but all things that later-this-week wife and I would feel annoyed by—having to run downstairs for backstock, forgetting to take meds, etc. You’re welcome.
The secret sauce here is our intention. My wife’s love language is acts of service. And mine lately is quality time. So, in committing to do these not-sexy-but-important tasks (and asking for the support we need around them, such as me contributing to the grocery list), we are filling her cup right now and mine tonight, when we can kick back and just BE together. I’ll definitely be asking for foot rubs and reminiscing. And we will both appreciate being in a tidy home that’s ready to help us cruise through the week—ensuring a better connection because we’ve cared for our home and met our needs.
I’ll toast to that.
If you need help organizing, know that there is zero judgment here. This is my passion and purpose, as well as a necessity for me because of my mental health. I’m far from perfect but, with my family, have curated systems and routines for our home to help me feel confident and calm. And I can help get you there, no matter where you are. Click below to book a free discovery call to learn more.