Stop Name Calling

PSA. Please stop calling my toddler “shy” because he won’t smile on command for you, Random Stranger, at a store.

Let’s stop name calling in general. Let’s work to separate how we feel from who we are. I came home from a LONG day of organizing and my little one waited up for me, almost deliriously. My bride had made up a song in a low deep voice that said “There is no carrot juice, and I am very sad.” Oh my gosh, the laughs we had on repeat. But first, I corrected the lyrics to “I feel very sad.”

See, I was a kid who grew up thinking something was wrong with me because I was sensitive. I had big feelings. I was emotional, expressive, not taught how to safely feel and express them, not supported to accept them and work through them. So, I was called many names, and I mean “dramatic,” “Sensitive Sally,” “troubled,” etc.

And…if your child is having trouble maintaining their spaces (their playroom, their bedroom)—do NOT, please please please, do NOT call them “a walking tornado,” or threaten them that they will be on “Hoarders” because of their mess.

Children need to learn how to take care of their belongings and their space—just like they need to learn how to read and how to use the toilet. It’s not inherent. It’s not natural.

Children also observe YOU, how you treat yourself, your things, your home. If you have clutter and items without homes and don’t pick up after yourself, it’s not fair to expect them to. This is a skillset that can be learned. It can be improved upon, it can be targeted.

It’s even trickier with the fact that some of us are neurodivergent, have mental illness or chronic health conditions. It’s not that there’s something WRONG with us, it’s that we are a person who also has ADHD, who also has bouts of depression, who also has chronic pain.

Kids look to adults to learn about themselves. Stop name calling! Disassociate feelings with identity. We are not our feelings. We are not our stuff. We are beautiful, incredibly complex human beings worthy of love and belonging. And kids learn about how to treat themselves by watching US: how I take care of myself and talk to/about myself—especially in front of my child—he’s absorbing all of that.

Parents: Stop calling yourself “a hoarder,” “a hot mess,” “a failure.”

I work with people in this intimate process to untangle the shame tapes in our head that promote the script of [because my home is a mess] “I am a mess.”

How can you break free from the clutter that is weighing you down when you are labeling yourself as a person who is out of control or incapable? You have to separate your SELF from the mess. The life skill and home management task of keeping your home tidy is NOT a measurement of your worth. It’s a neutral task. Our society and especially Instagram puts so much expectation on us to create these gorgeous, minimal, looks-barely-lived-in homes and That. Is. Not. Real. Life.

I’m not here to invalidate your feelings. If you feel guilty because you have too much stuff and your home is overwhelming, that’s real for you (and I’ve been there myself!). The overwhelm is real, the guilt is real. But let it stop there. Don’t allow the narrative to go further into, “and so I’m a bad partner / mom.” Or, “and so I’m a mess.”

Give yourself grace. To quote Frozen 2 (which I do all the time now because it’s my toddler’s favorite movie): “Do the next right thing.”

• When you put down your phone, break down that Amazon packaging for recycling.

• When you have a moment, pull out the outgrown toys from the play area and move them to your car or at least near the door to be donated.

• While you’re waiting for the coffee to brew, clear off some counter space.

It didn’t happen overnight, and there’s no quick fix, but you can gain momentum by empowering yourself to act in those transitional everyday moments and to have the mindset that you CAN slowly chip away at this. You can add a minute of decluttering into your day. You can pause on hitting “Check out now” on the Amazon app. You can be kind to yourself and to your home, and you can slowly shift into the language of “I’m a person who’s trying my best.” Or, even, “I’m a person who takes small steps regularly to course-correct.”

On a final note, hoarding disorder is a classified mental illness warranting a combination of mental health professionals AND specially trained organizers. It’s not a joke. You can read about the diagnosis here.

I am a damn good organizer but have not taken coursework to specialize in hoarding disorder, and therefore while I can “help,” I’m not the best person for the job and so I often make referrals to avoid doing harm or practicing outside of the scope of my expertise. Another great resource is The Institute for Challenging Disorganization.

Stop with the name calling. Catch yourself, acknowledge, forgive. Teach your little ones how to have self-compassion, softness, how to defy the BS expectations from society and social media. You can do it!

And if it feels too big to conquer on your own, or you don’t have the time/energy/perseverance, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. This is my passion, my purpose. Book a free call to talk about your home and let’s see if we’d be a good fit: https://calendly.com/consciouslyclearedandcontainedllc/freecall