The shame spiral of clutter and how to GET OUT
Recently, I did a speaking engagement in which I showed pictures of homes for sale—the blank canvas in which we hope to start our next chapter. I asked the audience to reflect on when they first saw their home—online and/or in person, and how they felt, what they imagined.
“So much space to fill with my clutter, impulse buys, and random knick-knacks!”
Then I said, “I bet you didn’t think, ‘Wow, I can’t wait to jampack this place with all my crap.’” People laughed—that felt good.
We don’t WANT clutter; we don’t actively choose it. But it happens, and it happens quickly and before you know it, we are overwhelmed and stuck.
Maybe it starts with a bad day where you come home and throw your clothes on the floor and just dive into bed. Or you don’t hang up your towel and instead drape it across the footboard, multiple days in a row. (Just me?)
Current footage of my bed (unstaged). See, what had happened was…we just bought new towels, and so these are technically now the old ones, they need to be washed, the extra blanket atop the piano needs to be washed but in a front loading or larger washer than we have, etc…………..I’ll figure that out later
Micro decisions like this—yes, it was a choice to flippantly toss them instead of giving 1% more time/effort to throw them into the hamper—invite more mindlessness and the %$#&-it mentality.
Suddenly we are unable to exit our bedroom without walking over our things. We are literally stepping on our belongings, trying not to trip, burying deodorant, the last purse you used, your Flonase, and your favorite earrings in a heap of clutter. Things we need, use, love, just vanished into the mess.
Then, naturally we beat ourselves up.
I’m such a slob.
I’m a hot mess.
I’m a failure. I’m failing myself, I’m failing my kids, etc.
I’m a disaster.
What’s wrong with me?
I’m hopeless. Look at me, I can’t even adult.
(Narratives I’ve had in the past for myself, comments my clients make now, maybe you can relate.)
That shame is devastating. And suddenly, for self-preservation, we become numb to the clutter. immune, or almost blind to it. We accept it as status quo. We normalize the floor covered in our things and stop thinking about the fact that we are walking on our hard-earned belongings.
We make excuses, we waste time and energy looking for things and we buy duplicates, we shrug and say This is just who I am. My home is a mess because I am a mess.
I’m here to say loudly and empathetically: NO, eff that. Stop right now. Stop name calling. Get out of autopilot and open your eyes to what’s happening. You can make different choices, starting now. You can take back control, right now. But you have to put on your Courage Pants, summon your true intentions, and take action.
I love this scene from the movie 7 Pounds with Will Smith and Rosario Dawson (it’s a REAL tear-jerker, you’re welcome, also you’ve been warned).
Ben Thomas: I haven't treated myself very well.
Emily Posa: Start now.
The antidote to shame is empathy; I purposely show BEFORE pics so that you can see yourselves in other peoples’ homes. You realize that other people struggle with this too. You are not alone in this overwhelm. Clutter affects so many of us, and you can feel validated in that, AND maybe a bit of hope.
I see spaces like this ALL. THE. TIME. It is a reality for more people than you’d think.
What can you learn from your clutter? There are lessons here.
One of the most dangerous things we can say or think, even just to ourselves, is, “I’ll deal with that later.” I hear this from every client. I heard it from myself. We have cute catchy little phrases like, “OHIO—only handle it once,” AKA, Kim dry off then hang up the towel again. Easy breezy.
Sometimes it’s bigger, heavier things. A relative who passed and left you some belongings—let’s put them here in the dining room for now and take care of that later.
Later comes and goes. There’s never a good time for this. There’s rarely a time when we are in the mood to sort through doom bags, stuffed-to-the-brim totes, and miscellaneous-filled boxes. (Unless you’re a professional organizer hiyooooo!)
When I’m having a hard time motivating or initiating in my own home, I like to say aloud, “I’m going to get up and fold those towels in 3, 2, 1.” And just get up. This works for me most of the time. Other strategies I use to find that momentum:
call my sister and pair the tidying/cleaning with conversation
put on some music that pumps me up (it’s usually the Hamilton soundtrack)
“body doubling,” asking my family to help me reset a space—giving explicitly clear requests and age-appropriate tasks
open a window to get fresh air
write, “If I accomplish only 3 things today, they would be…”
I stick to one thing. OK I’m going to put those towels away. The thing is, once I’m up and moving, I’m more inclined to also put my book back on the shelf. To put my medicine back in the cabinet. To throw away that tissue.
Or I will say, OK I’m going to set a timer for 10 minutes and once it’s done, I’ll stop. (We often underestimate how much we can get done in these focused small increments!)
What works for you? Experiment. Reflect on how you’ve motivated through “unpleasant” times before. I say unpleasant in quotes because I’m the gleeful nerd who LOVES tidying and it actually is so freaking therapeutic to my anxiety that I seek it out when I feel out of control.
When the world is spinning and I feel helpless, what can I control? I look to my home. I can clear off my nightstand. I can make the bed. I can pick up the miscellaneous items on the floor. Make no mistakes = these are acts of self-care. These little pick-me-ups (literally) can be habits that propel us forward and bring back control.
Make one decision right now. Take action. Do one thing. Then see if you can do another. Not ready yet? Come back when you are—commit to coming back. You have to come back, that’s the trick.
Know that decluttering and tidying is an everyday ritual for even the most minimal and organized among us. The goal is not perfection; it’s a home that’s easy to reset. [<—Read that again, out loud.] When you prioritize this vital self-care routine, your wellbeing, your family dynamics, your peace of mind, your overall calm in your spaces—everything is better, feels more manageable, gets you back in control.
Secrecy, silence, and judgment are shame exacerbators that will keep you stuck in your clutter. You have to combat them with kindness.
Talk with a trusted friend or family member. “I’m really feeling out of control with my clothes. They’re spilling out of my closet. I know I have too much. I’m overwhelmed and can’t get started.”
Can you imagine the relief, the warm embrace of them saying, “Me too.”
We are all struggling with something. Find your people who can empathize and validate you.
Post a picture. You can do it anonymously or in comments of a before/after to invite other people to see that they’re not alone. If you want professional help and are too intimidated to talk and really get started, text me (302-729-2168) a picture of your space (mention this blog post!) and I will respond with 1-2 concrete steps to get started—zero judgment.
Take the judgment out of the equation and it starts with your own self-talk. “I have clutter in my home and it’s got me feeling trapped, like I’m suffocating. I don’t know how to fix it, and I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this. Life got me down for too long, and the mess got away from me. This happens to the best of us. I need help. I want and deserve more.”
This client texted a week later to say, “I keep forgetting my room is no longer a disaster when I wake up and it has surprised me almost every morning this week. Because my room is amazing, my [teenaged] son has been coming into my room before bed and lying on the bed and talking to me. It’s because of you." No, Mama, it’s because of YOU. You’ve reclaimed your space and literally made room for what matters most.
We can rewrite the script. We are the protagonists of our own story, and our stories are not over yet. You CAN change. You are NOT your clutter. You are strong and capable, and you can do hard things.
PRO TIP: Feeling extra bold? Donate your extra laundry bins, reusable bags, and misc. bins: if you’re not using them intentionally and purposefully—they’re enabling the clutter.
And if you’re ready, I’m here for you. I’m committed to helping people get unstuck and reclaim their spaces with personalized solutions.